


The Dream

by MagicalDragon



Series: The Ballad of Gay Shepard [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Earthborn (Mass Effect), Ficlet, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mass Effect 2, Temporarily Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:46:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27366025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalDragon/pseuds/MagicalDragon
Summary: Shepard sighed and drew a hand over his face. Fuck, why did he want to speak with Garrus about this again? Couldn’t he just have pitied himself till he fell back asleep like he normally did?“Go on,” Garrus said.“I... well, I had a dream. About Kaidan.”Shepard’s voice broke a bit on the last syllable. He took a deep breath. He couldn’t start crying on some Citadel dock next to his subordinate, for fuck’s sake.“Ah...” Garrus said. “A repeat of last week’s performance?”His subvocals would no doubt have been comforting to another turian, but there were certain things that didn’t translate well between species. Shepard appreciated the thought nonetheless.“No. No, if it’d just been that... that’d have been easier than... thanthis.”
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard, Male Shepard & Garrus Vakarian
Series: The Ballad of Gay Shepard [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998835
Kudos: 25





	The Dream

_A hand on his cheek, stroking his stubble… brown eyes, eyes he knew too well, heavy with feeling… a loved voice whispering against his ear. Unclear, scrambled and mumbled, until finally..._

_“I love you.”_

Shepard rushed up from his bed, breathing heavily. 

A dream… and what a dream...

Shepard, unsettlingly, found himself closer to crying than he had ever since Ash’s death. 

He didn’t cry much, hadn’t since he was 7 and was moved to a new foster home, full of too many kids and too little care.

He wasn’t crying yet, either. But it was close. 

_Fuck._

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

_Goddammit._

Almost in a trance, he pulled a pair of jogging pants on and went over to the elevator, mindlessly pressing some buttons till it started going down. EDI was saying something, but he didn't really hear it.

The crew deck was empty as he stepped out of the elevator. It must be late enough that the only crewmembers awake were the graveyard shift, no doubt all at their stations in the CIC. Something pulled him towards the main battery, firm in the belief that Garrus would still be pouring over calibrations well into the night. Turians tended to take many short naps rather than sleep through the night like humans and Krogans.

He was right. Garrus was there. 

“Hey,” Shepard said, weakly, unbecoming of his command. 

“I know, I know, I should get some shut-eye...” Garrus began, but as he turned around and took Shepard in, he trailed off. His mandibles drew apart for a moment in shock, but he soon regained control.

“Shepard?” 

“Do you have a moment? I could really use a walk to clear my head. Just around the docks or something.” 

Garrus nodded, having picked up the non-verbal cue after so much time around humans. He held up a claw.

“Just a second.”

He turned back to his console, did something on it, something quick, then he turned around again.

“Okay, let’s go.” 

Shepard nodded tiredly, feeling decidedly uncomfortable with the role reversal of asking Garrus for help, but... finding himself equally unable to perceive other options. Who else could he talk to? Dr. Chakwas would worry too much and she had known him and Kaidan for too long, he didn’t want her involved. Joker was immature at the best of times, and though they had the bond of long service together, Shepard had never confided in him. As for the rest... they were all entirely too new and, for the most part, too far in Ceberus’ pocket for Shepard to trust with this. Unless he wanted to repress it, Garrus was his only option.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you in civvies off-ship, Commander,” Garrus joked as they left the Normandy. 

“Haven’t had much shore leave, lately, if you hadn’t noticed,” Shepard shut back, trying to use the normalcy Garrus was extending to calm himself down. “Besides, Vakarian, I’ve never seen you in civvies at all.” 

Garrus laughed. 

“Come on, Shepard, this is my _casual_ armour. You know turians don’t like to wear just cloth.” 

“Paranoid bunch, aren’t you?” 

“You upstarts give us reason to be.” 

Shepard forced a smile. They had put a good amount of space between themselves and the Normandy now. Shepard stopped and walked over to the edge of the dock, leaning his arms on the railing. Beneath them, the Citadel was bustling with activity. The dock itself was quiet, though. 

“So... why did you want to come out here, Commander?” Garrus asked, sounding as awkward as Shepard felt. 

“I, uhm... You know, I actually like having EDI around, I’m not as opposed to AI as some. But, well... Sometimes you do want a bit of privacy, don’t you? I’m pretty sure Ceberus has access to everything we say on the Normandy, one way or the other...” 

Garrus subvocals hummed in a way Shepard had learned to interpret as concern. 

“It’s nothing dangerous, don’t worry. It’s just... private.”

Shepard sighed and drew a hand over his face. Fuck, why did he want to speak with Garrus about this again? Couldn’t he just have pitied himself till he fell back asleep like he normally did? 

“Go on,” Garrus said. 

“I... well, I had a dream. About Kaidan.”

Shepard’s voice broke a bit on the last syllable. He took a deep breath. He couldn’t start crying on some Citadel dock next to his subordinate, for fuck’s sake. 

“Ah...” Garrus said. “A repeat of last week’s performance?” 

His subvocals would no doubt have been comforting to another turian, but there were certain things that didn’t translate well between species. Shepard appreciated the thought nonetheless. 

“No. No, if it’d just been that... that’d have been easier than... than _this_.”

“What, Shepard?”

“I... fuck, okay, this is embarrassing, and Vakarian, I’ll punch you right in your fancy new scar if you ever repeat it...”

Garrus held up his talons in defeat. 

“I dreamt that he said he loved me. Romantically, even, I couldn’t just stick to friendship. Pathetic, isn’t it?” 

It was quiet between them for a few moments. The wards were never really quiet, of course, but the rush of traffic below them was almost worse than true silence would have been. 

“I didn’t know you had feelings for the lieutenant,” Garrus said mildly. 

Shepard laughed sadly. 

“Good. I never wanted you to know. Not _you_ , specifically, that is, just… anyone.”

Garrus hummed in a way Shepard couldn’t quite place. 

“Does he know?”

Shepard shrugged. 

“I don’t know. Maybe? We never talked about it.”

Garrus regarded him for a bit, then tilted his head in a turian version of an eyebrow lift. 

“Worried about fraternization policy?”

“That and… well, I don’t even know if he likes men. Why should I open up that can of unprofessionalism if he might not be even remotely interested? I’d just have ruined what we had.”

Shepard sighed. Now it’d been ruined anyway.

“You know, most turian cultures are indifferent to homosexuality, so I was a bit shocked when I read about how common it was in human cultures. Still, I got the impression that it was mostly a thing of the past.” 

Shepard shrugged. 

“It is and it isn’t. No-one’s going to beat me over it, but some guys still take offense if you flirt with them. Military types in particular.”

“That was the part that always confused me. For turians, the military is the last place where someone would care about that. For the purpose of your lineage, sure, that might cause some trouble, but between soldiers? I don’t get it.” 

“It’s perceived as weak. Womanly, I guess.”

“That’s… odd.”

“Alien, you might say.” 

Garrus laughed.

“I don’t understand it either, Vakarian. Just the way most of human culture has been for the last many centuries. It’s like the sexism thing. Turians don’t have much of that either, do you?” 

“Not in the mainstream cultures, at least.” 

“Anyway, I wasn’t worried that Kaidan would be homophobic, I know he’s not that sort of guy. I just… it would have felt predatory, you know? As his commanding officer, coming on to him… Unless he felt the same, I’d feel like I’d harassed him or something.” 

“I suppose I understand that,” Garrus said. “But… for what it’s worth, Commander, I think he does still care for you, regardless of what he said on Horizon.”

Shepard swallowed something and looked away. At the far end of the dock, a drunk Salarian was stumbling around.

“I’ve been missing him so much ever since I woke up, do you know that?” He finally said and now that he’d begun, he couldn’t stop. “Part of me was hoping that he’d join us when we ran into each other. I’d even imagined a few different ways it could go down. I didn’t really expect him to, I know he’s an Alliance man through and through... but I was still hoping, you know? I... but in the end, all I really wanted was for us to be okay. And now we... aren’t.” 

Shepard felt a tear land on his cheek. Damnit. He’d held it off this long, so why…? 

“I’m sorry,” Garrus said quietly, then, awkwardly, unused as he was to the rather human gesture, placed an arm around Shepard’s shoulders. 

“I’m the one who’s sorry, crying about something like this when colonists are being abducted left and right… what does that say about me, that I can handle that but not this?” 

“You know turians don’t cry, Commander. I wouldn’t know you were overreacting if you hadn’t told me.” 

Shepard laughed through his tears. 

“Turian bastard.”

“Damn upstart.”

They were quiet for a bit, while Garrus held Shepard close as he cried. In the end, Shepard got himself under control and shifted away to dry his tears in his sleeve.

“I’m sorry you had to see me like this. I know it hardly inspires confidence.”

“On the contrary, Shepard, it’s good to know there’s a man behind the hero. A person like the rest of us.” 

Shepard laughed.

“Well, if that’s what you wanted proof of, you sure got it.” 

Garrus subvocals did that thing again, that thing meant to calm other turians. 

“I wanted to help a friend, Shepard,” he said seriously. “You can’t always be the strong one.” 

“I know,” Shepard sighed. “In theory, I know, but… well, you’ve read about my past on the extranet, I’m sure. I had to take care of myself growing up. I never really learned how to let others take care of me… Actually, I think that’s why it hit me so hard, with Kaidan. He’s one of the few people in this world I trust implicitly, so to know it’s not mutual is…” 

“I understand,” Garrus said quietly. “I think he’ll come around, in time.”

“If we survive this thing.” 

Garrus laughed, then turned to meet Shepard’s eyes, a mischievous look in his eyes. 

“Well, that’s just one more reason to make sure we make it out alive, isn’t it?.”

“You’re right,” Shepard conceded. “Want to head back?” 

“I go where you go, Commander.”

“Then let’s stay a little while. It’s almost morning, anyway.”

They stood in silence for a while, admiring the view from the docks, till the artificial sunrise spread its light on their faces. Though it was but a pale fake compared to a planetary sunrise, there was something undeniably beautiful about it.

“Garrus?”

“Yes, Shepard?”

“Thank you.” 


End file.
